nanowrimo 2k9

Chuff had long lost track of what they were trying to do and was mostly focusing on the sweaty patch of skin that had a bag of instant gravy strapped to it. It was somehow calming compared to the gastric distress he was feeling on the inside. His crown was sweating, and his intestines were on fire. The other marketing assholes were holding up admirably, but he was having trouble following what it was they were selling. HE had been through the routine training, but they seemed to never actually explain any piece of what the deluge of words being thrown around actually meant. OF course this is because the words were completely meaningless, and being thrown in a dizzying manner as  a two-team by the more experienced pair.

“Careful there, Chuffington”, he thought to himself “you just have to look awake and try to get as much of this in your head as possible.”

That was easier said than done.

Asshole One: “And that is the incentivization of your own leverage”

Asshole Two: “Brand. Branding is very important”

“Of course, thats how you naturally acquire the mindshare in order to properly determine your value proposition.”

“Arguably, and exactly. So here is why I think this is a perfect fit for FinitoCorp’s HR plan. First off we have the three tenets of our foundation R-D-S: Reliability. Deliverability. Satisfaction.”

“Now, typically you will see a division between labor and management, but remember, the labor is actually not part of the problem. It revolves around being a -”

“Synergistic whole. If your organization doesnt have these tools, this leverage, then Reliability, thats right, the first tenet of our program -”

“There is no way we get to step two — deliverability if you can’t build reliability, and who is responsible for building things? Thats right, management. And what does management represent? The organization.”

At the other side of the table were three executives for FinitoCorp. The first was a pudgy, middle aged asian man, who’s sickly jowels looked as though they were trying to sit on his neck. He recessed into an ill fitting suit so that it looked like a large toads head was popping out. In the middle, a typical manager: balding, a cheap checkered shirt, and heavy framed glasses sitting on cheek bones that looked like they had buckled under the weight of a lifetime of cheap, heavy framed glasses. The last one was a younger man, looking nonplussed quietly sighing through his nose, trying faintly to follow the verbal assault.

“Reliability, gentleman”, Asshole one continued, “if you dont have reliability built in to the organization from the start, you will not be able to add this back in later. In fact, this is exactly why on page 4 of our handout we have listed reliability in a secondary role as a primary corporate passion. Now this is another important piece of work to be aware of, because when you have created reliability as a corporate value, corporate goal, then and only then will the second tier of qualities be allowed to leverage themselves into your corporate mindset.”

“I’m sorry gentlemen,” the man in the middle began.

“Yes! Anything, this is an interactive dynamic discussion, transparency is required, and everything should be open, we are already on our way to getting underway. Please, your question?”

“Yes, you say that we can’t simply add Reliability as a corporate goal if it is not built from the beginning, how is what you are proposing something other than that?”

“Haha, that is a very good question, why it shows that this is exactly why we think our custom made program built around the program is perfect for it. Of course it will fail if you simply try to add Reliability as a passion of your corporate culture.”

“It will just drag you in the mud!”

“And that is what the core of the program is, its not an add-on, its completely rebuilding your corporate culture with strong values in place, it is a completely new beginning for the internal of your company, without negatively affecting your revenue streams. Remember, customer satisfaction is what will keep your people coming back and back and back again, but if you cant give them reliability – ”

“Then some up and comer who does have the proven corporate values will just come and eat your lunch, and I dont know about you guys, but dammit I need my lunch, its the only thing that settles my stomach after the morning coffee”

“Haha, you got that right, fellas, you want your lunch to stay on that plate, and in order to do that you need the tenets of execution. That is what will really crack open their wallets, your lunch will be the envy of the office park.”

The toad-headed man licked his lips and seemed to sweat a little more in his jowels. Seemed like he liked lunch too.

Meanwhile, poor chuff had his hands below the table and was quietly punching himself in the stomach to divert his attention from the cramps that seemed to be stabbing him through the torso. He had some kind of unbearable flaming gas from all the crap he had dumped on it in the last day, and felt that all the sweat being trapped under his marketing asshole suit was actually starting to seep out and reek of doughnuts and liquor. Good times.

“Now that we’re all coming round”, asshole two said, “lets finish this segment of the presentation and maybe take a quick break for lunch and to regroup.”

“Great idea, lets just hammer in that the number one priority of the regroup should be reliability”

“Does that include accountability?” the younger manager blurted.

“Excellent question, you will find that once you have satisfied the problem of reliability that you will actually gain accountability as a freebie, as the academics,” he made little finger quotes, “say one is necessary, but not sufficient for the other. So, now that we have given you an introduction”

“Not an introduction, just a glimpse,”

“Yes, thank you Barry, a glimpse into the program, I think we should give ourselves a minute to take a quick break and we can meet back here after lunch. Sound good?”

Everyone shrugged or nodded. It didn’t matter, the marketing assholes were in control, but they were still running on schedule. Everyone rose quickly, and the marketing assholes stood by politely and let the managers out first. Chuff made sure to stay the farthest behind, partly because he had the lowest rank and it showed the proper piece of cultural humility, but also so his ass wouldn’t be in anyones face if he suddenly lost control of his majorly flaming gas ass.

He didn’t fortunately, but as the youngest manager filed out, Assholes One and Two (also interchangeably called Barry and Glen chuckled softly.

“Hey there, Chuffles, dont shit yourself, we gotta spend the rest of the day in here. Now how about some tacos!”

This was too much for Chuff, he made a bee-line for the bathroom they had been shown on the way in, but he saw the other three managers filing in as quickly as they had made it out of the conference room. He didn’t want to make the presentation a laughing stock, so he looked around quickly for any other options. The womens bathroom had a small line standing outside of it, because it only had a single stall. Thats just how FinitoCorp rolled. He felt the sweat steam and gravy condensation sealed in by his repressive clothes and broke out in a cold sweat. This was dire a time for Chuff, the most dire since he had been forced to sell his pet cow for a bucket of wheat and pig brains. The cow was small.

He turned full steam back into his fellow marketing assholes and pushed between them. They both laughed out loud. It was fantastic for them, their stomach iron-clad from a lifetime of hangovers and hotel continental breakfasts. There was nothing they couldn’t relate to or mock ruthlessly, that was pretty much their job, to side with whatever was convenient.

Chuff pushed through and the laughter grew to howls. “Back here in 10 number three, or else you’ll miss out on the tacos. Chuff walked quickly, trying not to break into an obvious getaway bathroom trot, looking anywhere he could for a bathroom. Down one hallawy, he ran back into the security doors leading to the exit of the building. He didn’t weant to leave, because he would need an escort to get back in, but all he could hear behind him was the endless chatter of the other marketing assholes and the tap of impatient high heels on the tile floor beyond.

“To hell with protocol, this is what matters.” Chuff said to himself in his most macho ‘about to crap my pants’ inner voice. He pushed out into the lobby, and found that the secretary was gone, the doors closed behind him, and he saw two options: a planter box outside, and a janitors closet.

“Worth a shot.” The closet was unlockeds, he pulled himself in, reached frantically for a lightswitch and grabbed at his belt with the other. His body and relaxed when it heard the door closed and his seconds were numbered. He couldnt find a light, but did manage to find a heavy bolt on the inside of the door to shut it. At the same time his pants dropped and he felt a light string drape across his face. He pulled it quickly and bathed the closet in glorious light.

The closet was very small with a very large rusty sink up against the far wall. “Now or never”, and he sat right in the sink, leaning back with the faucet digging into his shoulder and his ass against the drain. It was the most comfortable he had been in hours. With the final relax, he let out a monstrously gratifying fart, which made his body shake and he involuntarily started pissing, and felt it pooling where he was sitting at the bottom of the sink.

His chest collapsed and he breathed deeply and loudly. Slowly feeling the sweat leave and his sanity regain. Realizing that he was actually just soaking his ass in his own piss, he finally pulled himself slowly out of the sink, dragging his ass up the rusty side to avoid getting any drips on his fancy buisiness clothes that had been weaved out of the corpse of his cow.

Fortunately, this was a janitors closet, so he was surrounded with cleaning supplies. He grabbed a clean, folded sham from a nearby shelf, put it behind him and slid back to it, and wrapped it around his waist, when he was confident that the sham had absorbed all the moisture, he said wow, just like that creepy vampire hooker beating beavis looking motherfucker on tv.

The least harsh cleaner he could find was windex, so he wrung out the shammie, sprayed his ass down, and wiped it up, wrung it out again and blotted it with clean water.

“I guess I have to take this plunge by myself.” he thought pulling his underwear over his now only damp ass. He stood there, feeling helpless with his pants around his ankles, waiting for his shorts to absorb the last of the water before airing them out, and finally recomposing himself.

The way out was much simpler. The lights were on. He felt strangely refreshed, though his undershirt was still covered in sweat, and his stomach was still boiling with what felt like it could easily be a veritable fart factory.

With the gas pain subsided, he realized how completely hung over he was and that his clothes had the stingent aroma of cheap hooch from last night.

“I’ve gone this far. This has to be finished.”

Strengthening with resolve. Chuff rinsed out the rusty sink and let the water run. He found a surprisingly clean plug on the shelf next to the shammies, and for some reason, some bath minerals.

“This could be nice, I will have a nice scented bath with my remaining 7 minutes. Then, tacos!”

He quickly stripped down and hung all his damp clothes on every available spot in the closet while the sink filled, and scooped a handful of scented minerals and stepped in gingerly.

The water was far from hot actually barely lukewarm, but that had the benefit of not steaming up the room and letting his clothes air out.  The rust in the sink floated off in small particles, but for the most part stayed in place. He was counting mentally and keeping remarkable time. Using the same shammy to clean himself, he scrubbed quickly, washing off the booze skank and cold sweat and gravy condensation (the gravy bag was lying on its side wrapped in a shammy that was pulling off its amazing condensation while preserving the delicious heat lamp heat.

And, as quickly as it started, it had ended. He was out, and dry, standing on his socks to not get his feet filthy. He blotted, wrung, blotted and wrung with a fresh shammy, and finally dried off with an industrial size roll of toilet paper, it dissolved on touch, and left him covered with microscopic recycled paper fibers, but these were mostly invisible.

At last he was dry and naked, the water was draining peacefully, and he quickly suited up. Still focused on nothing other than counting the seconds and getting ready, he was down to 89, and he still had to get back through the security door. In a flash, he was dressed, clean and ready to go.

With deft professionalism (a stark contrast to his entry), he shut the light off and unlocked the door in a fluid motion, and stepped out of the closet, straightening his tie as though he had just walked in off the street.

Chuff still needed to get back in, and was running short on time.

“Can I help you sir?” a voice came from the secreary’s desk.

She had apparently come back sometime in the last nine minutes and 15 seconds.

“Yes, I am here with a couple of compatriots, but I maanged to get separated, they are in conference room 2A, the first one on the right after you turn le-”

“I am familiar with this buildings conference rooms, but I wonder how you became so familiar with the janitors closet.”

Her face was humorless and middle aged, and not a secretary, a receptionist. Sorry. Like many people, she took her job far too seriously, and seemed very engrossed in getting answers. Her makeup, like her face was heavy, she wore hideous purple glasses and had an unsightly wart at the corner of her overgrown chin.

“I was looking for the supply closet.”

“And you usually bathe in supply closets when you are on a lunch break at a new building.”

“Er, no ma’am, I was looking for post-its and sharpies.”

“And you should see a doctor about your eating habits, you knocked one of my lovely stitchworks of a faberge egg off the wall behind me. That is a priceless family heirloom and -”

“Why did you bring it in and hang it in a place where it falls down at the slightest sound and could be stolen by anyone when you aren’t around?”

“I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE, YOUNG MAN!”

“Rosemary, looking lovely as always”, marketing asshole number ones voice came from behind him.

“Barry!, or Glen-”

“Doesn’t matter Rosemary, is this youngster causing you any trouble, its first outing, we are just showing him the ropes, did he manage to find the post-its, we need them for phase two of our meeting: Deliverability!”

“Oh, well, no, as I was just trying to tell young -”

“Chuff,” Chuff blurted out.

“Chuffly Chuffington III”, marketing asshole number two said proudly, ruffling his hair.

“Yes, Master Chuff here, the supply closet is past the security doors, you should have the host of your meeting fetch them.”

“Well, we’re gonna find some tacos, Rosemary. Care to join us?”

“Of Course you are, and no, I brough my lunch. A light salad covered in cheese and ranch dressing”

“Its how you stay so lovely, well we will be off, see you at the top of the hour.”

“Oh, Barry, Glenn?”

“Yes rosemary?” the assholes spoke in unison.

“I expect to be compensated for the bath salts Master Chuffly borrowed from my personal stash in the supply closet.”

“Anything, Rosemary, anything. Just gives us a requisition with your favorite brand, and we will expense it. Now, gentleman! TACOS!”

Chuff felt his stomach rumbling again.